I ain't Goin' Down
by crazypixie
Summary: Song Fic...uh a little something that came to me, so i wrote it about Catherine, because it just seemed to fit.


A/N: So while I was "studying" for my global regents exam, I was listening to Shania Twain, and whatdya know? This song came on and gave me an awsome idea for a fic! So enjoy, and feel free to laugh when I fail my regents! : )

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters or CSI, or the song which is "I ain't going down" by Shania Twain.

I'm gonna hold on--  
'cause what I believe in is so strong  
No matter how long, no one  
Can tell me I'm wrong--I ain't goin' down

Welcome to the wonderful world of Catherine Willows' life. Or not. A world of disappointment, let down, heart break, and screw ups. But it's home for me. It's my life, and I screwed it up. But the least I could do was hold on and be strong for Lindsey, no matter how much I hated Eddie, or how bad he hurt me, I would put on a smile for her. All for her, my baby girl.

I had a baby at fifteen--  
daddy never did forgive me  
I never heard from the guy again  
I had to drop outta high school--  
everybody treated me so cruel  
But I didn't give in and give her away

Blah, blah, blah, like you've never heard it before. My "father" kicked me out of the house when I was 15. My boyfriend (at the time) and I thought we were in love and we wanted to run away and live together until I was old enough to get married, he was 20. My father hated him, but I wouldn't let him go. My father gave me an option, my boyfriend or a place to sleep at night, and I chose my boyfriend. Stupidest thing I ever did…almost.

So my boyfriend and I ran away to Las Vegas, he broke up with me about 4 cardboard boxes, 3 run down apartments, 3 crack whores and 27 odd jobs, and a year and a half later he broke up with me. So now I was 16, alone, no house, no job. So I tried to go home, and go back to school, but my father wouldn't allow it. I slept on the front porch of my own god damn house for 6 months, and every morning like clockwork my dad would come outside and shove me off the porch. My sister and mother used to sneak food out to me. After a while my dad figured out what was going on and told me that if I didn't get off "his" property" he would have me arrested for trespassing. So I left, and I never looked back.

_  
  
I'm gonna hold on--  
'cause what I believe in is so strong  
No matter how long, no one  
Can tell me I'm wrong--I ain't goin' down _

So, let's see here, about 6 years after that I found my way back to Las Vegas. I got a job as a dancer. I was working there for about two years when I met him. Eddie Willows. He was nice to me. He took me out to dinner. He was charming, and oh those baby blue eyes, a girl could get lost there forever. We started dating and one day he asked me to marry him, I said yes. Second most stupidest thing I've ever done. It was great for a while, but then it started. The drugs, mostly cocaine. It was great for highs, and made the sex even better. But it also turned Eddie into a monster. I would cover it up though. After the drinking and the drugs wore off he would cry and swear that he would never do it again, and beg for forgiveness, and I always gave in.

June 5 1993 I got pregnant. I was scared to tell Eddie, I thought he wouldn't want the baby, or that he would accuse me of cheating on him and say that the baby wasn't his. But when I told him, he was ecstatic. He lifted me up in his arms and spun me around the room a couple of times, which in turn made me throw up everywhere. He put me down and apologized, I laughed and said it was OK. It was always OK. I was just happy that he didn't punch me for getting pregnant.

After Lindsey was born, Eddie was around less and less. And I began to think he was cheating, but I never said anything. I don't remember when or where exactly, but I met Gil Grissom when Lindsey was about 6 months old. He was nice to me, and sexy as hell. I just couldn't turn down baby blue eyes. He saw right away the bruises, even though I tried my best to cover them up. He held me in his arms and told me it was going to be OK. And for once I believed a man. He got me enrolled in college…somehow. And of course Eddie didn't like me in college or Gil either.

When Lindsey was six Eddie and I divorced. Lindsey didn't really understand what was going on. All she knew was that mommy and daddy weren't going to live together anymore. That's all she needed to know. I never let her see what Eddie did to me. She was my baby, and I had to protect her, from everything. Including Eddie.

Her smile got me through the day--  
and every night I'd pray  
I could give her enough  
At night I'd lie awake and cry--  
hopin' we'd get by  
'Cause you can't live on love

I worked night and day to keep us goin'  
Through the sweat and tears  
without her knowin'  
It was worth it just to watch her grow  
Oh, oh, at least I was able to hold her  
Whenever she needed my shoulder  
I'm so glad I never let her go

After College, Gil got me a job as a CSI intern at the Las Vegas Crime Lab, working under him. I began to advance and finally made it to CSI level 3 when Lindsey was about 6. I worked graveyard, which gave me time during the day to see Lindsey off to school and come home from school. During the night she went to my sister's house, at least she forgave me. It was hard not seeing my daughter all the time, but me working meant that we could actually live.

I don't know how my life would have turned out if I hadn't had her. She gave new meaning to my life. She gave me more reasons to live. She was the reason, and I was never going to let her go.

I'm gonna hold on--  
'cause what I believe in is so strong  
No matter how long, no one  
Can tell me I'm wrong--I ain't goin' down  
Her smile got me through the years--  
dried away the tears  
And filled me with hope  
At night I'd lie awake and cry--  
prayed we would get by  
And for the courage to cope  
Oh, oh, oh

I worked my ass off day and night, just so that she could have a life that I never had. I wasn't going to let my mistakes come back and haunt her. She was a new life, and a new reason to be strong. She's what kept me going, what kept me grounded.

Eddie died last year, and my baby girl was starting to grow up. She understood what was going on now. I couldn't shelter her anymore. I cried myself to sleep every night for about a month and she always made her way into my room and just laid by my side and wrapped her little arms around me. She was saving me.

Her smile got me through the day--  
and every night I'd pray  
I could give her enough  
I'm gonna hold on--  
'cause what I believe in is so strong  
No matter how long, no one  
Can tell me I'm wrong--I ain't goin' down

I will prevail, no matter what people say, no matter how hard they try to bring me down. I won't go. I won't because she won't let me. She gets me through the day.


End file.
